I keep this thing around the house to do my bidding; some people call it a slave, others a maybe a bitch. He is so insignificant to me, I don’t even think of it as having a name. Anyway, I always know he’s up to no good when he sneaks off to a hall bathroom for hours on end. So I bust through the door to find the simpleton masturbating to a porno mag. It’s such a disgusting habit; it’s…